My Unique Path

 It's been a little while since I've visited this page, and I'm sorry for that. A new season has gotten underway again and I'm back in the full swing of things. Next week I'm really proud to start a BA course in "Professional Practice, Arts and Creative Industries" at Middlesex University. I will parallel the course with my rehearsals and performances at The Vanemuine Theatre, as I use the course to reflect on my career thus far. What I've learnt, what have been my obstacles, my patterns, my setbacks and my achievements. 

Through this blog I would like to share and discuss with you all, some or perhaps even a lot of that. So I thought why not map out my road so far? When I tell my story I'm usually met with surprise from the listener. I've always not quite understood that, because I have lived every moment truly believing that what was given to me at that precise stage was indeed exactly the right thing and so it felt very normal at the time. Anyway, everyone has their own unique story and we all should treasure it. 

My first professional practise, I believe, started at The English National Ballet School in London. I was coming from a small town in the countryside and thrown into a class of students from all different countries and walks of life. It felt like an unusual melting pot of pink aspiring ballerinas. In those 3 years we bonded as close as sisters and brothers and I still hold those people dear to my heart, as they taught me so much in those crucial years. 

However, I stepped out of the school quite lost and not quite ready to face the world. As those girls from all those different countries returned, or joined ballet companies, I spent 3 years in London away from ballet and quite alone. I had no commitments, nowhere to be and I was open to whatever life had to throw at me. I dabbled in various jobs, connecting with different people and mainly just living. Then one day I thought; "enough!" and I booked a one way ticket to Rome. I was 22. I packed all of my stuff and the next week I left. It was the end of June in Italy, boiling, and I had all I needed on my back and an interrail ticket in my hand. So cliché right?! I was hopping around on couches, through Switzerland, Germany and Denmark...booking the next place from the last. I took ballet class wherever I could, but I had barely put my pointe shoes on in 3 years. I wasn't hoping for much. I was just seeing where it could take me. 

Somewhere along the lines I ended up in Estonia, through recommendation. It was never my plan to go there. I didn't get the job straight away, but I was welcomed there. I stayed 3 months taking classes, being useful where and when I could, and to my luck, one girl left with an injury and I was able to take her contract. I managed to work my way up in the company, starting very slowly and hesitantly, full of doubt about myself, and then had an appendix operation. I ended up dancing in less than 10 shows in the first season, until I was able to dance solos and be confident with my place fully established back in the ballet world. I am truly grateful to my ballet director, Mare Tommingas for seeing what I could offer before I even knew it existed. 

But, four seasons later I felt ready for new challenges. I arrived in Estonia not really knowing what I desired for myself. Now I was hungry. I wanted to work with new choreographers and dancers, and push myself artistically. I ended up in Germany, in "Ballett Vorpommern" and it was clear in the first days that my eagerness and enthusiasm came crashing down. Germany is a whole other story and I have the great pleasure to share that with the world via a dance-sharing platform that raises awareness of mental stigma called 'arts.resolve'. The story is yet to be released, but should be later this month. It was a a hard learning curve for myself as an artist,  but I'm really proud to share it soon. 

After 9 long months in Germany I took a U-turn to my original company in Estonia. I was different now. I was grounded, self-aware and more mindful. I was less hard on myself which resulted in having something new to offer. I have been back for about one and a half seasons now. I feel stronger than ever and after moving past trauma and coming out at the other end, now is a really great time for me to reflect and share. 

So the rest is still to be written. To all those Estonians who've asked "How does a Brit end up in tiny Tartu?" - please direct them to this page! 

If anyone has any questions on my journey, or similarities I'd love to hear them. For all those who have been through injury or self-doubt, it's ALWAYS possible to start again, even when you're unsure. 

Here is my class from ENBS first year, 2009. 

From left to right: Wakana Shimizu, Claire Jobanputra, Bruna Pandini, Tess Buck, Pamela Nunes, Maria ?, Melanie Bergeron, Priscilla Gomez, Oda Heier, (Me), Karina Hay, Marina Schmied, Alia Velasco, Nicha Rodboon, Livia Zenarato.