World Mental Health Day - My Story

   "World Mental Health Day (10th October) is an international day for global mental health education, awareness and advocacy against social stigma. It was first celebrated in 1992 at the initiative of the World Federation for Mental Health, a global mental health organisation with members and contacts in more than 150 countries. This day, each October, thousands of supporters come to celebrate this annual awareness program to bring attention to mental illness and its major effects on peoples' lives worldwide." - Wikipedia. 

    With that being said, and also it being founded on the same year I was born, I found it appropriate to share "My Story" today. With the hope that it will add to this important day, as a means to celebrate how much I personally have overcome, and encourage others to follow. 

    I wanted a change, to aim higher. I think it's very common in ballet dancers to always want "more." 

I'd worked harder than I ever had to get in the best shape and correct my weakness's. I really envisioned Germany to give me what I lacked from my previous job. 

    After my first audition I got accepted to a German company. I got amazing feedback and they wanted me to sign the contract within days. I felt an undeniable sense of satisfaction and achievement and from there I lost motivation for my next auditions. I'd already been accepted to what I wanted. 

    I started my new job in 2 months time and it was clear from the first days I felt the ground slipping from under my feet. Everything to "fit into the German Bureaucracy system" seemed impossible and it was having a heavy effect on my mental state of mind. I was dissatisfied with the work artistically so I couldn't use my job to escape either. There were few classes where I didn't feel the overwhelming pressure on my neck and back and I was unable to work my legs how they had worked before. Things escalated so fast. 

   This mental pain felt like it flooded my body and tears were hard to hold back at work. I felt trapped in class, like I had to carry on because I would make the situation worse if I left to compose myself. So I was faced most days with crying and dancing. Most of the times I was ignored. I felt like I didn't have any control  of what was happening to me or the situation I was in. 

    Sometimes I would muster some fighting power to use my frustration to work for me. One day we had this workshop/audition for the next ballet which would happen at Christmas time. I fought and used everything that I had left to show everything that I could do. The steps were fast, which required a lot of attack, which worked for me since all of my pent up frustration. It got me noticed. I got cast for the main role and the second cast for the second main role. 

    As rehearsals set in still feeling of insecurity and pain were there, and I still wasn't totally settled in Germany. After a couple of weeks I was told by the director he wasn't able to get what he wanted from me and I was the only girl to not have my contract renewed for the next season. Nonetheless he wanted me to lead the new ballet. This took every piece of strength to dance, to lead, to emote a complex, physically challenging role with my recent rejection. During the rehearsal process I got such mixed reaction from the director, it was "you;re a star" one day, to being ignored the next. To me I was always Emily. 

    After the first show show, due to injury, I also had to dance the second role I was cast. After putting this on stage in less than a week the director renewed my contract on the stage in front of the whole company. Yet again, I had this achievement of fighting for something with a reward that didn't truly satisfy me. 

    I had somehow made it through 12 shows, but started to fall back into old habits which resulted in the director coming screaming across the studio that I'd "changed choreography" and "looked like Pamela Anderson on stage". There was no paper proof that I would get my contract renewed. I felt ridiculed, astounded and broken. 

    After that it got really bad. I could barely stand at the barre. One morning I just marched myself after tendus across the street to my doctor and told him I couldn't go on. He gave me sick leave in which I booked the next flight home. It was clear I needed more time. I tried to go back after a month. I'm not even sure how far I got. It's all very hazy. There was just no way I could fight it again. 

    Then a turning point revealed itself. I got legal advice.I wrote out everything that had been said to me dated, witnessed, every factor that I believed to have a negative effect on my mental health. It was a two page legal document. Then, one morning I put on a suit and heals and stood against 3 men, I was ready to take them to court. It sounds so movie-like but it's the proudest thing I've ever done to this day. 

    I exited that situation, and part of my life with what felt like a mistake and failure, but I gained so much more. I was so honoured to be welcomed again back to my original company. Now I feel like there is nothing lacking. I don't fight for anything. I give the best me and if it's not enough that's ok. 

    

    Things that helped me through that time were travelling to the far corners of the world to gain a new perspective (I travelled to Svalbard and The Rocky Mountains.) Talking to a marvellous, compassionate lady in the dancers union "GDBA", Konstanze Roubal. Spending time with friends who could see me for me without my depression. Oh, and also Avril Lavigne! 

    This story was also shared on the mental health dance platform Arts Resolve. I advise any dancer to forward their story as a means to liberate yourself and help others. 

Thomas Hockey and myself. "Passion and care" by Gisela Sonnenburg. This picture was taken in the middle of my story, and remains to be my favourite picture of myself dancing.